Friday, September 30, 2005

one day and the next

Last night I went over to the gay-rage, played some darts, Left around 11 and played some dice, hoping to earn some new shoes for the youngins' so the mrs. won't throw me out again. But damn the luck, at the crack of 1 I was three beers fuller and two dollars poorer. Another good night was had in the ghetto:

throw dice (five players)
drink beer (busch and bud)
awkward homo-eroticism (thanks zach)

yup, just some good ole' boys.

After standing outside sans pants I went home with my ears burning. Laying in bed; can't sleep, can't stay awake, I woke up feeling awful. I've been sick all day and now I'm locked in my bedroom (with the heater), listening to faithless street.

the end

Sunday, September 25, 2005

welcome to the highest number

I ended up having a great weekend. Friday zach, andrew, dykert, and I played some dice. I felt pretty bad the next day.

9/23 dice game earnings: $12

The next day peter came out and Nick came by to our post-bar dice game and "started makin' trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight..." Nick was later informed by Brooke regarding what happened the night before and I think she painted an unrealistically grim picture for him. Nick called this morning and apologized but the truth is that I haven't laughed so hard in months. I needed that.

9/24 dice game earnings: $5

now after two long nights in a row as well as the summer turning to fall, I feel as though it's my time this year to get sick. I should take it easy this week, but we'll see how it goes.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

have you heard the news? adam and eve were jews

a typical sunday of skipping church, doing laundry and getting out of the in-laws' place with just enough time to...wait until good TV comes on at night. I've been getting new music at an alarming rate to try to fill my life with something new... something that will bring wednesday from tuesday. I shouldn't complain about my job, it could be much worse. I'm working on not being jealous of the present/near-future success of some of my former schoolmates. Let's face it: they had grandiose dreams long before I did and I've made plenty of decisions to hinder my success, regardless of what I knew at the time. Time to run and hide. Time to stay and say "oh yeah, I'm doing ______ for _________ organization. I'm hoping to do __________ at a later, undetermined date."

Maybe I'll just go inside and _______ myself.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

paradise by the TV light

Xtina is in class tonight until 9. She'll be tired when she gets home so I made sure I did all the dishes like a good boy should. Last night everyone went out to founders because Melissa's job search is finally over. Also, I'd like to congradulate Nick on completion of his 'not as long but just about as traumatic' job search as well.

My eyes have been fixed on this computer screen in the dark so long when I look up I see nothing but darkness.

An interesting thing happened to me the other day. I got back to work from my lunchbreak the other day and after telling the receptionist that I'll have an appointment at 1, "call my extension" I went down to my office (in the basement, a windowless room) and found myself looking at something on my computer, shuffling papers and making a phone call. I saw my hands doing this work. They didn't look like my hands, though. These hands came out of a dress shirt. There was a wedding band on the left ring finger and an adult-looking watch on the left wrist. The bottom-line is that that was not me. This was more than just a "college must be over" moment; I realized what I naturally became. And my heart sank.

I've been told similar stories by others relating the moment they realized they weren't in college anymore, but I didn't expect that to happen to me. I went to college to escape a desk job, not to get one. I suppose there's no better reason to get into grad-school than that. Now what am I good at? Back to the beginning.

I layed awake last night dwelling on people from my past. Not college people from my past considering the circumstances, but people from farther back. I wondered how I acted towards them and how outcomes would have been different if I, my current self, could go back and re-live them. I know there is no way of knowing and thus no reason to dwell on it, but i've never been able to let go. I was just surprised at the fact that I have'nt considered these people for years and suddenly I couldn't get my mind from them. I also wondered how my high-school sexual encounters must have been, I mean how they would look to me now.

In my next issue: why I believe I'm becoming a dirty old man.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

on the last day of your life, don't forget to die

another lazy sunday. I hear Zach is in town; I hope he calls. I woke up and watched the pbs fund drive, watching old footage of jim morrison and janis joplin until x-tina came back from church. I wonder if she visualizes me just as I am as she sits in the pews. I can only imagine. I also wonder how often she has to fend for me in church politics. "i'm sorry, I just can't," I'll say when I inevitably must say it (or maybe that's what she'll say and I won't have to say it at all). I did dishes and gathered the laundry so it didn't look like watched tv in my underwear all morning. I'm trying not to think of going back to work. I have a meeting as soon as I saunter in that I know will change how I work and probably not for the better.

i smell burritos cooking in the kitchen.

Last night we saw "mysterious skin." It was good, possibly the most disturbing movie I've seen. It appears as though every indie film I see nowadays has to do with pedophelia for one reason or another (and "no" I'm not naturally going to films because they deal with such issues). Art is constantly searching for the next taboo. Pedophelia is the first taboo of the 21st century.

An update on my lame subconscious:
The other night I was at a fabric convention and they were giving out samples. x-tina told me to get light green. When they gave me dark green I was furious and through a series of crafty manuvers I was able to obtain the light green cloth.

My initial reactions to Sufjan Stevens' "Illinois"
a) it sounds similar to "Michigan" in a slightly different way, perhaps in the same way that Illinois is subtly different from Michigan.

b) If i didn't like sufjan stevens i could write it off as hokey that he sings about a state and it's history.

c) like "michigan," I like it but I will have reservations about becoming too attached to it that I can't exactly explain.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

a mild numbing sensation of the frontal cortex

another day of work. it seems that every day around 3 I start to become horribly indifferent to my workload. With no due-dates or guidelines, the nature of my employment manifests itself in my struggle for motivation.

I talked to Zach today. I feel bed for him. I'd love to be there when he arrives in the G-rap and his mom asks where he'd like his stuff dropped off. Where is elmer these days? I try to go out at night to provide myself with a mental separation of "tuesday" and "wednesday." I'm afraid that without that distinct dividing point my life will become one day to the next until I find myself forcibly looking forward to things I really have no reason to look forward to. Anticipation, not alcohol or religion is the opiate of the working class.

perhaps peter will come to town tonight. I'm not sure what we'd do, but whatever it is, it's not falling asleep and waking up to go to work. My long weekend is upon me. This i will anticipate. and promptly complain when it, like most things that are so highly anticipated, does not live up to such demanding notions.